If I just hadn't fallen for the boy across the ocean. Avoided him online, never indulged him in our several hour conversations, ignored his flirtatious comments... If I had just told my heart "no," I would never be in this predicament. But how could I? The boy across the ocean could make me smile from 11,360km away. The boy across the ocean understood me better than most people ever have. The boy across the ocean is the one for me. So I encouraged my endearing heart only to find that the journey was far from a smooth one.
Technically the LMO Kiwi had applied for, that we paid our lawyers quite a bit of money for, had gone through properly and allowed Kiwi to stay for another 2 years if we had applied for another work permit. The problem with this scenario is our plans to move to New Zealand were already in motion and the company that Kiwi was working for had to lay off their employees. So even if he had received his work permit, there was no guarantee that the company would acquire enough work to hire the workers back full-time. With the LMO work permit, Kiwi could only work for the company listed as his employer on the work permit. It would take another visit to the lawyers and another willing employer to file another application and we just weren't sure we could afford to stay at our place while that was going on.
We packed up our house and moved everything into storage. During the move, I obtained an extremely unwelcome sinus infection. The stuff that was comin' outta me... I just... Bravo, body. I don't know how you concocted it all, but there was an abundance of it. In the week leading up to the move my sinus infection crippled me to the point of bed-rest (which has rarely happened to me) which left Kiwi with most of the packing, much to my dismay. "Did you stack all the tupperware into one another before you put it in the box to save room?" "..."
So we rented a truck to move all our things. A truck that didn't fit well around a corner at my storage facility. A truck that suffered slight cosmetic damage when I turned too tightly around a corner so I wouldn't hit a boat. A truck that cost me $1000 to repair, even though the damage couldn't have cost anywhere near that much to repair. This is a battle that is on a back burner, but not forgotten! *shakes fist*
New Zealand was amazing. The smell was the first thing I noticed, despite my sinus massacre. The trees, the birds, the sound of cicadas rustling in the trees on the way to the house. It was something one could only imagine. I visited as many beaches as I could, and it still left me hungry for more. I explored the tropical forest trails hiding behind Kiwi's childhood home, exploring waterfalls, rivers and rock pools. I collected rocks, shells, feathers... It was an adventurer's dream.
And then the dream ended.
Those who know us closely understand what I mean when I say this.
Things were difficult from May onwards. When I think of New Zealand unfortunately my mind can only arrange traumatic or upsetting images, which saddens me. This brilliant country that smelled of earth and promise was replaced by a memory of misery. I had set out to write this post about these events in the hopes that it might help me move on or explain the way I had felt so that I could try to understand it myself. But upon writing this I cannot seem to find the courage. I only know that my time spent in New Zealand was both the happiest and worst experiences of my life.
The months following swallowed me in depression. I felt so far away from everyone, even from Kiwi who was only downstairs. My first instinct was to run, to leave. And in any other situation I would have. But Kiwi and I had moved to New Zealand for a purpose, and I couldn't give up on the boy across the ocean. If I had come home, Kiwi and I would have been over. There was no other way to stay together than applying for Permanent Residency. I did everything I could to collect all the information and forms required. This was no easy task, and if I had known more about the application I would have waited in Canada to complete it before moving. It was almost 10x more difficult in another country without my personal documents and a printer! I don't know how, but I managed to put our application together and send it off a week before I was scheduled to come home to Canada.
And then I left.
My trip home was about 36 hours. Of all of them, I slept only 6 in total. When I finally did sleep, I slept alone. And every day since.
The application has been received in Missasauga, but has not started processing yet. The process actually starts with me, if you can believe it. I applied to sponsor Kiwi as my common-law husband so they must investigate me to see if I am capable of being a sponsor, as this is a person who is responsible for the well-being of a foreigner for three years. The processing time in Canada is about 86 days, and the processing time at our VO office in Sydney is about 7 months. Just to give you an idea of our waiting timeframe.
I am frightened. For the first time in my life I am 100% unsure of it's outcome. If our application is refused I am at a loss. I cannot find another logical, legal way for Kiwi and I to stay together. Kiwi's plan is to come to Canada to wait for the Permanent Residency decision with me but he is only legally allowed to stay in Canada for 6 months. During this time Kiwi and I will be staying with my parents, but for how long? I may have to get a full-time job and put my freelance work and photography to the side just so we can afford to move out. If the application gets approved? I suppose Kiwi will find some sort of work and we will start all over again. The sickening realization that I may never own my own home is enough to make me want to become a wicked witch in some forest and never cut my toenails.
The world is my oyster but what part of it? Cause right now it feels like those gross, squiggly gray bits on the edges that nobody likes. The only pearl in my life is still in New Zealand. He's not in the next room typing furiously like he should. He's not cuddling up to me at night like he should. He's not making me smile when I'm sad like he should.
Once again, the boy across the ocean is just that. Across the ocean. And my future is lost at sea.
-Strawberry
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